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January 2001


The Soap Box

by TarQness

Hey, remember Yuppies? Those uptight humorless business-obsessed stuffed-shirts from the 80s that many of us hold responsible for the greed-fest that was the Reagan Administration? What was "Yuppie" an anagram for? Wasn't it something like "Young Urban Professional Pig-Ignorant Elitist"? I kind of winged it toward the end, so maybe that's not exactly it, but it's close enough for horseshoes and handgrenades.

Anyway, I am talking about those people. They sure did have quite the effect on Western Culture, didn't they? I mean, without them, we probably wouldn't have jogging strollers, cellular phones or even SUVs! We also wouldn't have a majority of the population of the United States up to their eyebrows in credit card debt, either. I think they still exist, but they are approaching the age of Geritol now rather than Gatorade.

I have always wondered what became of them all. I mean, did they all succeed? Was the alligator shirt the key to financial success? Or are many of them those people you see camped over a steam grate in Manhattan? I'll tell you one thing, Dave Barry made a prediction about them back in the 80s that makes my skin all goose-bumpy and stuff.

See, Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. He's also made quite a name for himself as the famous author of too many books to
list here. Just look him up during your next trip to the library. He's a scream. One book in particular called Dave Barry's Greatest Hits, which is a compilation book of some of his best columns in the Miami Herald. This one column in particular was called "Yup the Establishment" and the following passage made me shiver with it's prophecy:

"...So I say the yuppies represent a threat to society as we know it and I say we need to do something about them. One possibility would be to simply wait until they reproduce, on the theory that they'll give their children the finest clothing and toys and designer educations, and their children will of course grow up to absolutely loathe everything their parents stand for and thus become defiant, ill-dressed, un-washed, unkempt, violently antiestablishment drug addicts, and society will return to normal..."

Now how could he have predicted such a thing? Indeed the yuppies did begin to reproduce, once their "biological clocks" began to tick faster. At
an even higher rate than Dave the Magnificent could have predicated, I might add. They also were given everything and not only did they not appreciate their good fortune, they turned on society as Dave predicted. (Think raves, bell-bottoms, that whole Spice Girls fiasco, etc.) They also became unwashed, unkempt slovenly little ne'er-do-wells (think the grunge scene and those damnable pants that hang really low and show everyone what brand of designer boxers they wear) who spend their leisure time high on ecstasy and inhaling the contents of Reddi-Whip cans.

How proud their parents must be today.

But hey, we have laptop computers now. And isn't that what really matters?

Happy 2001, Darlings!

salutes this month's featured writer:


Enter our drawing to win Dave Barry's Greatest Hits. The winner will be randomly drawn from all entries, notified via E-mail on January 30th, and will have their name printed in our February edition. To enter, just send an email with "Enter Me" in the subject line, and "I want it" in the body of the letter to: