This month, kids, we will address a public safety issue.
With the roads getting wetter and, in some regions icier,
I felt that it was quite fitting to discuss those
psychopaths we like to refer to as "motorists".
I don't mean you specifically, I mean those other
psychopaths. I am not exaggerating when I say that every
single time I get into an automobile, I prepare to die.
Every day, I witness people driving in ways that should
have them in prison for attempted murder. This is what we
will be talking about today.
Where, oh where do I begin? There are so many subjects on
this topic to cover, I am not sure only one webpage could
do it justice. However, since I am only allotted the one
page, I shall do my best to cover the more common deadly
quirks of those who get behind the wheel.
Let's start with tailgating. This
is where a driver (remember, I am not talking about you,
no sir) gets behind another and hovers dangerously close
to their back bumper. This usually is done at very high
speeds and generally within two feet. I have witnessed
this behavior and been a victim of it enough to have
developed a theory as to why people do this. See,
whenever someone tailgates me, I am often going the speed
limit or up to 5 MPH faster. People who tailgate are in a
much bigger hurry than I am. They get on my butt as a
signal to go faster. Well, I don't want a ticket, so I
don't go faster. This makes them very angry and they get
even closer. What these people fail to realize is that,
by law, if someone were to suddenly stop in front of me
or if I were to suddenly slam on my brakes just because,
the resulting accident is their fault. It's the law. Any
random tailgaters out there who stops by and read this
might want to check with the Department of Motor Vehicles
for their state if they don't believe me.
The only exception to that law is cutting someone off.
This is also a deadly practice and most often
unnecessary. Slipping your car two feet in front of
someone for the mere sake of being the one in front is
just stupid. In that case, any resulting accident is the
legal fault of the driver in the front. I don't care how
zippy and pretty your new Mitsubishi Eclipse is, you will
eventually cause a wreck with this behavior.
Along the same lines, let's talk about etiquette in
regard to entering the highway from a parking lot or
driveway. Almost every day, I will be driving along at
about 60 MPH with no one behind me for half a mile at
least, but some fool will inevitably pull out in front of
me going about 30 MPH because they cant wait two more
seconds for me to pass so they have an open space to work
with. Again, this is just stupid. Anyone who does this,
knock it off.
Ah, cell phones. Aren't they great? I don't have one, but
it would be handy to have one in case of an emergency or
if I am at the store and can't remember what flavor of
Go-Gurt my kids want. A phone right there at the ready!
All wonderful. It's just that some people are candidates
for having their wireless phones surgically attached to
their heads. They drive through rush-hour traffic,
talking to Marge about that trollop Sandy and her yappy
dog and why doesn't she leave that dust-mop with teeth at
home. During this conversation, they have nearly mowed
down 4 old ladies, run 5 stop lights and just missed
side-swiping another minivan driver talking on her cell
phone and not paying attention to the road. These soccer
moms with wireless phones live on the edge, I tell you.
Then there are people with sports cars who drive down the
freeway at Mach 2, doing all of the above. These people
deserve the chair. 'Nuff said.
So folks, the roads are more hazardous at this time of
the year. Riding in a car is one of the most dangerous
things anyone can do. I think it's even statistically
more dangerous than sky-diving. Just be careful out