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August 2000


Dear Yenta,

I think I already know the answer to my question. I think I'm just searching for validation of my feelings. But I really don't want to be unfair to the other person involved and I think I need an objective opinion about whether I am being fair or not. So please, Yenta, tell me what you think!

I met a man on a Delphi forum. We struck up a conversation on the forum about our common interest in a musical group, and then he e-mailed me, and the relationship grew from there. Our conversations grew a bit steamy, and one night after we talked, he told me that he was really interested in meeting me and he asked me what I looked like. I am quite overweight, and I wanted to be honest, yet maintain some dignity, so I told him I was specific details.....and that I wasn't happy with it and I was trying to lose weight. He immediately wrote back and asked me how overweight I was and said, "No numbers, please." I didn't know how to tell him without numbers, so I said I have quite a few pounds to lose. We went from talking on the computer every night to talking on the phone almost every night. This all happened over a period of about 2 months. Our online and phone conversations grew a bit steamy. We laughed and enjoyed talking about music and movies and many things. He said several times that he thought he was falling in love with me. He said he felt like we had a special connection. He mentioned meeting in a few months, saying it probably wouldn't be during the summer, but in September or October. I liked that idea. It felt reasonable and comfortable, and I'll admit that I thought I could lose weight between now and then! Then about 3 weeks ago he suddenly said that he wanted to see me at the end of June or the first of July. This made me very nervous. He'd made comments about one of his female friend's weight, and I was afraid maybe I'm the same size as she. He'd made comments about her size being a turnoff. Anyway, he wanted us to exchange pictures so we could see if we wanted to meet each other and try to carry on this relationship. I didn't like the idea, and he sensed my reluctance. We talked about it, and he asked what size dress I wear. I took a deep breath and told him! (Size 24) And you know what he said? He said, quote, "Y'know what? I wouldn't worry about it." I was beginning to feel OK about it. Then later he asked my bra size. (size 42B) This really offended me, but for some reason I answered him! I still didn't like the idea of sending my picture, but I decided I was just going to go ahead & do it! Well, within 2 days I knew something was wrong. We weren't talking on the computer as much, and when we did talk on the phone he would say he had to cut it short. Then we went for 3 days without talking. I figured that he'd found someone else, and I really think I would've been able to accept that. So I sent him an email that said I didn't know what had happened, but that I hoped I hadn't offended him, and that I hoped we could be friends. Well, he wrote me back saying that he had been thinking about whether to continue our relationship and that he believed in being honest. He said that I was "a terrific person." And then he proceeded to name some things that bothered him. One was that there were some things about me that were very similar to his ex-wife, from whom he had recently divorced. The second thing was my weight. He said that the more he thought about sizes 24 & 42B, the more he lost interest. But, he said, he "wouldn't mind being friends with a sweet person like you but that would be up to you." This really bothered me, so I wrote him back saying that I was hurt and that I was the person he talked to & enjoyed. That my body did not define me any more than his defined him. He wrote me back, reitterating that I was "terrific" and "incredible" and adding that he really felt that he had fallen in love with me. However, he said he didn't really know how overweight I was because he had no idea what I looked like. He said that he had no idea if he was going to be turned off by me physically, and that he did not want to hurt me. He said he was willing to discuss this if I wanted to call him. I didn't think that I could talk to him on the phone without crying, and I really wanted him to understand how devalued as a person this makes me feel. So I emailed him again, trying to explain it. I used an analogy of a wonderful gift that would give him great happiness. I said it was like he was throwing this gift in the trash because it wasn't in a perfectly shaped box, nor wrapped in the finest wrapping paper, nor tied up with a big bow. He answered me saying that I didn't realize that this was hurting him too. He said that my gift example was a good one, but I was leaving out one important thing: what if one or both of us was turned off to each other physically? He again invited me to call him and said that I don't have to worry about crying with him because I am "still very special" to him!

So, Yenta, what I'm asking is this: Am I justified in feeling offended? Am I being unfair to him as a man? Am I being overly sensitive because I am overweight? I mean, I never once asked him what he looked like!! It didn't matter to me--I liked HIM! And I felt very objectified by him! Especially when he asked what bra size I wear! I mean, how would he have liked it if I'd asked what size his penis was and then rejected him for it?! My friend says that I should have told him to kiss my size 24 butt! Please, be honest, Yenta!

Big and Beautiful Gal

Dear Big and Beautiful Gal:

The Yenta has been, in the past, and remains, skeptical of online "relationships" and has never had one of her own by choice. Too much "cybering" leaves too much to the imagination and truly people are different online than in person.

No matter how much you weigh (or your bra size) which should never be divulged to anyone let alone someone on line, you should be liked and loved for yourself. You have 2 choices as I see it, you can either lose the weight if it bothers you that much or you can choose to stay as you are and accept the fact that you are a big, beautiful woman. In either case, dump the bozo, stay away from online relationships, get off the computer and get out and find a "real" guy who will appreciate you for who you are.

The Yenta
P.S. this guy is very small minded as probably are his attributes.

Got a problem? Ask The Yenta!