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March 2000


by Mary Xmas

Are you a good witch or a bad witch? I heard they are making a “Blair Witch Project” sequel. Oh joy, another seat gripping hour of arguing over a useless map. I’ll just follow the yellow brick road, thank you.

Beam me up Scotty! Last month James “Scotty” Doohan of Star Trek fame announced that he and his wife are expecting a child in April. Mr. Doohan is 79 years old. Don’t you think that when your existing children become grandparents that you should stop procreating?

Who Wants To Marry A Multi-Millionaire? When Rick Rockwell walked onto that Las Vegas stage to reveal himself, 49 women each breathed a huge sigh of relief that they were not picked. And 23 Million people in T.V. land sympathized with poor Miss Darva Conger as he slopped his kisses on her. Well, there’s another marriage down the (t.v.) tubes.

Video killed the radio star. KISS has announced their farewell tour, sponsored by VH1. Did I miss something here? Since when did KISS become the type of band you’d see on the “geriatric MTV”?. Well that’s it. I am officially old.

Guten Tag. The German company EM.TV has purchased 100% the Jim Henson Company, valued at $680 million. Kermit The Frog will now wear lederhosen. Elmo will stay in Grouchland. And I guess The Bear In The Big Blue House can move into a castle.

Calling all stockbrokers. Up until now, the doughnut franchise Krispy Kreme has been a privately held company. This month they are going public. They have more than 135 stores in 27 states. But there isn’t one within 500 miles of my home. I know I am missing out on something good here. Someone mail me a chocolate twist please.

I wanna rock-and-roll all night, and party every day. Mardi Gras is March 7. This is a legitimate reason for thousands of people to walk the streets of New Orleans drunk. Soooo...on every other night of the year, what excuse do they use?